Previously: How the “O” word shocked me into dieting
I was fat.
After years of denial, qualifying for early COVID vaccination as “obese” had shocked me awake: I wasn’t husky or hefty, I was a gelatinous tub of lard. I needed to go on a diet, but knew that I lacked the willpower to withstand hunger pains.
I would cheat. I would nibble. I would hide triple fudge brownies under my iceberg lettuce.
What I needed was a magic bullet: a snack food with ZERO calories, so that I could continue to stuff my face around the clock yet still lose weight.
Off to the grocery store to find it!
I started in the produce section. Everyone says that chewing on celery burns up its calories, but celery turns limp after a few days, so you can’t stockpile it. And every trip to buy more would mean walking past the candy bars at the register.
Rice cakes don’t spoil, but they’re flavorless. My parents were world travelers and raised me on zesty, spicy foods. I couldn’t chew on sawdust all day.
Then I made an exciting discovery: there were tiny labels on food packages that revealed all their secrets, including their calories! I roamed up and down the aisles, reading.
But this was taking forever. Why wasn’t there a separate aisle called “Diet Foods”? I read all about eggs. Kale chips. Protein bars.
WHOA! Pickles had zero calories, according to their label. Was it really possible? I asked my wife, who shrugged. Fortunately, I had the Internet in my pocket.
Cucumbers are mostly indigestible fiber and water. They’re turned into pickles by packing them in jars with brine and letting them sit. A chemical reaction between bacteria and…whoa, bacteria? Yuck!
Not all bacteria is bad, my wife said. Our bodies are full of bacteria.
…between bacteria and the natural sugars in a cucumber turns the sugar into lactic acid… whoa, they’re full of ACID?!
“Oh, for God’s sake! Just keep reading!”
…into lactic acid, which is why pickles have ZERO calories!
I was emptying the shelves of pickle chips and spears when I spotted a gold mine on the bottom shelf. Jars of GIANT pickles. Huge glass jars, big enough to hold a pig fetus. A whole gallon of Mount Olive kosher dill jumbo pickles!
Loading five of the heavy bastards into our cart left me sweaty and winded. I really should lose some weight.
Next: Part III: Pay me in Hershey bars