
Child of the ’60s
I just opened this box from Prime (a security camera and floodlights) and, swear to God, the first thing that went through my head was,

How much does an elephant’s weiner weigh?
The weight was coming off.
Slowwwwwwly.
I had kicked off my diet on Inauguration Day and, armed with my magic pickles and

Scrabble app is a coy toy
I have mixed feelings about the way the Scrabble app uses my name. I don’t particularly enjoy being referred to as a toilet. On the

Pay me in Hershey bars
All my life, I had been laboring for free. Like a schmuck, like a sucker. Like a fool. No more, baby! Now when

Pioneering e-biker vanishes in Wysconsin
An Account of the Journey of Explorer John K to the lands of Wysconsin, in the Year of our Lord 2024, from his Journals June

.38 caliber birthday party
Our son very nearly had a surpise “party favor” at our backyard celebration of his 5th birthday: a handgun that a criminal stashed in our

Big round jars of big fat pickles
I was fat.
After years of denial, qualifying for early COVID vaccination as “obese” had shocked me awake: I wasn’t husky or hefty, I was a gelatinous tub of lard. I needed to go on a diet.

How the “O” word shocked me into dieting
I wasn’t fat.
Tall men don’t get fat, no matter how much weight we gain. We’re husky, bulky, beefy. “A mountain of a man” is a phrase applied

This could work…
Regardless of our political divides, I think we all agree that after the 2024 presidential election we’ll be facing Constitutional, logistical, and other problems if

How a lost bottle of pee nearly ended my marriage
A million years ago, I was married to someone else. Fortunately, we were married and divorced before the Internet, so Google today finds no evidence

Help wanted: Labrador
Our Labrador retriever, Jebediah, recently asked AI to explore some new career possibilities for him.

My Dolly is a wussy
Before I say this, consider the following: my family is majority LGBTQ+, majority disabled, majority of Jewish descent, and I’m a proud, card-carrying member of

Placebo eyewear
I just made a scientific discovery. I have a pair of lensless glasses I wear when I’m recording videos (so there are no reflections on

Is AI funny? A cartoonist partners with DALL-E to find out.
My new partner is giving me a migraine. Yes, she’s a talented illustrator, draws cartoons with blazing speed, and works for free. But my partner,

My Dolly has a mental illness
Ever since I’ve started working with her, Dolly has seemed strangely absent-minded. Almost as though she

Baby s*** yellow
I paid $200 for my first car. It was the summer before I went off to college and I was damned if my mommy and

Oh yeah? Why not?
I’m always a little suspicious of these. To me, this says, “We’re going to a WORK site, NOT a donut shop! (But don’t, like, follow us or anything.)”

Take a deep respiración
I’m learning Spanish in Duolingo. Beautiful language, but absurdly inefficient. For example, for 1874, we say in English, “Eighteen seventy four.” That’s six syllables. In