Pioneering e-biker vanishes in Wysconsin

An Account of the Journey of Explorer John K to the lands of Wysconsin, in the Year of our Lord 2024, from his Journals


June 13, 9 a.m.
By the grace of our divine Protector, today I embark on a solitary journey by bicycle to the land of Wysconsin, a distance of many leagues and unknown perils. I seek to discover the legendary Lost City of Beloit and must travel the Interstate Highway, a route known to be hostile to bicycles.

9:30 a.m.
After uneventful travels, I now leave behind the last outposts of civilization and strike out into the wilderness, pedaling on the shoulder of IL 251. The asphalt is hot and cracked and littered with detritus. Trucks of unimaginable size roar past me at great speed and the winds of their passage shake my saddlebags.

9:45 a.m.
I stop to rest and resupply, trading with the natives. I exchange pieces of colorful paper and shiny metal for beverages and a kind of cured meat known as Lee’s Turkey Jerky. The natives marvel at my e-bike, a technology seemingly unknown to them.

10:19 a.m.
Leaving the Interstate, I follow a crude bicycle path as it winds northward through dense woods. The shade of the trees is most welcome after the brutal sun and hot winds of the highway. I espy a native wildflower similar to asclepias lanceola but with smaller, oddly shaped pods. I shall name it asclepias viatorem, or E-biker’s milkweed.

10:40 a.m.
While fording a small brook, I fall from my bicycle and am injured. Though I could forage for the roots and berries needed to make a healing salve, I take ibuprofen instead.

11:05 a.m.
I emerge from the woods onto residential streets and sense at once that I have reached the fabled lands of Wysconsin. The natives here wear green and yellow football jerseys and speak with a curious accent. I asked if they know of Beloit and they point me further northward.

11:20 a m.
A band of native youths stop me with hostile questions about the Chicago Bears decal applied to my helm. I respond with a gesture that I imagine to be common among all primitive tribes, and at once they


[Editor’s note: Here the journal ends. The fate of explorer John K remains unknown, but a battery suspected to have come from his Himiway e-bike was later seen posted on eBay.]